Oppo, I've hit another low point

"K-Roll-PorscheTamer" (k-roll390) 11/06/2014 at 23:56 • Filed to: Life

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I never wanted to believe it, I never wanted to admit it, I never thought the day would come that I would hate myself for this reason, but today, that changed with a realization that’ll haunt me forever..This picture should give you an idea of the severity of my sadness. ;-;

I do apologize if this isn’t coherent or if this makes no sense.

Why do I all of a sudden hate myself, you might ask? It’s simple really..

I’m black, that’s why. And it never bothered me at any point in my life, until today, something just clicked. And it made sense to me why I’ve got so little self confidence, why I never feel like I fit in or belong some times at some places, and why I feel left out most of the time, which is a lot; and most of all, why girls are never interested in me.

When I was younger, from age 3 to at least 14, I was honestly the happiest, carefree kid you’d expect a kid to be. I was always happy go-lucky, funny, a weird nerd, and a goofball, and there wasn’t a thing in the world that could sway me otherwise; mind you, I was overweight growing up, going to McDonald’s at least 2-3 times a week for my favorite 20-piece nugget and a medium vanilla shake. By 2nd grade, I was 100lbs, in 8th grade, I was 170lbs; and I didn’t give a damn about what that meant or what people would think of me for it. I eventually lost about 40lbs when I wised up about my health.

But you see, then this thing called ‘growing up’ happened, and that innocence that most young kids have went away, and this is where I am now.

Here in college, as I am now in my second year of hell, I noticed something very odd; and it hit me while I was sitting in the cafeteria, alone, as usual. No one bothered to come sit with me, people looked at me strange as I’d walk to get food or go back to my seat; especially girls for some reason. Now, I’m slightly introverted, according to my dad which I partially agree with; I’ve never been able to walk up to new people or ask to sit with new people and make new friends because of it; unless I had a friend with me. But today, I realized that it’s not the only other reason why. This is when everything came together, why I’ve always felt awkward. Because I’m black, I’m clearly not the same as anyone who’s white, Hispanic, or Asian, and that means that I’m different and some people look at me funny because of it. And why is that? Simply put, association. Association with stereotypes of gangs, crime, rap, murder and other wrong things that would be typical. I’m guilty by association logically. So everyone should be afraid of me, a 19 year-old engineering student standing 5’10” who’s relatively active and in shape, with brains and a mindset that usually puts friends and family before his own needs and wants, because my skin color is associated with negative things we’re all afraid of. If I were any other color, I would not have to live like this.

And if anyone thinks that this can be simply ignored and that it’s the best way to handle it, it can’t be, because it’s always with me, beneath the skin. It’s a curse that I have to worry about every single day.

Now, there’s all of those stupid cultural empowerment slogans like “black is beautiful”, it’s all bullshit; it’s misery and shame honestly. I don’t ever feel like a human being when situations like this occur, I feel like a damn alien in a country I’ve lived in my entire life. And now I’m an extremely self-conscious about how I look, how and when I address people, I never walk up to new people and usually only go out with old friends rather than new ones. I honestly hate being black, and all the negativity it’ given me that I never realized until now. What can I say? I’m sorry for being me, or that I didn’t choose to be this way; won’t make a difference to anyone. I’m not an alien, or an animal, I’m a human being, just like everyone else, I just wish I wasn’t the person I am so I wouldn’t have to be associated with such things. If I could be anything right now, I’d Time Lord, and make myself regenerate so that I wouldn’t have to be black anymore. :(

The only way I can see ending my sad post tonight, is with a quote, actually a poem often said by Joseph Merrick, the Elephant Man, because that’s how I feel about myself sometimes.

Tis true, my form is something odd

but blaming me, is blaming God,

Could I create myself anew

I would not fail in pleasing you.

What I’d give sometimes...

CB > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:00

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This is the point where someone says something that is supposed to be helpful, but I got nothing. Maybe join a club or something to meet new people? I don't know. All I've got is that we're here for you, man.

Dsscats > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:01

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Can I be honest? This might sound weird, but I don't give a fuck because a friend needs cheering up. Having seen your pictures on Facebook, I can tell you that you are definitely an attractive guy.

Bandit > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:02

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Not to be a dick and I haven't read all of it... but... you have a gorgeous 944. Fuck everything else and enjoy the satisfaction that comes with making everyone else jealous. Sorry, I really wish I could offer help.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > CB 11/07/2014 at 00:03

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I spend more time here than I do in real life world, because this is the only place left where I can't be judged as such.

Dsscats > Dsscats 11/07/2014 at 00:05

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I'm black, that's why. And it never bothered me at any point in my life, until today, something just clicked. And it made sense to me why I've got so little self confidence, why I never feel like I fit in or belong some times at some places, and why I feel left out most of the time, which is a lot; and most of all, why girls are never interested in me.

Aaaand this hit with me.

Warning: Personal rant below

This is going to sound weird, but on October 19, I realized that I was depressed. It wasn't like I hadn't been sad before, I just truly understood it on that day. I just kind of thought about it and realized I didn't have jack shit to look forward to. And by that, I mean I seriously didn't have anything planned for MONTHS. On top of that, I go to school every day to go to classes where I'm bored out of my mind, not stimulated, unenthusiastic, etc. After that, I hang out with friends who I don't even really like any more. And of course there's the back up group of friends, but I'm closest with a girl that I kinda like in that group and she makes pretty much everything weird so I just feel awkward about shit.

But I know the exact feeling you're talking about with it just clicking and realizing what you've been feeling.

And as usual, message me on Facebook or email at dsscats@gmail.com if you want to talk.

/Endpersonalrant.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Dsscats 11/07/2014 at 00:05

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I like to tell myself that, but I can't believe it when I say it, I just don't have any confidence in myself to do anything involving social contact with new people, girls especially. To them, unless they actually know me, I'm some weirdo nerd who's black and probably not safe..

Dsscats > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:06

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THIS. SO MUCH THIS. And check my reply to my other reply.

Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:06

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Seriously? People avoid you because you're black? WTF is wrong with people.. I.. I.. I can't even ..

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Bandit 11/07/2014 at 00:07

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Thanks. here at school, at least until storage time comes, I like to think that she's the one only friend I've got left to really connect with; which is why I usually go for long drives after class in the evening.

I don't think there's any advice that could help me out; I'm stuck like this for life.

Manuél Ferrari > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:07

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I'm sorry you're so down right now :(

Dsscats > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:07

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Just spend one day, just one, not giving a fuck. Go up to people, act weird, do what you want to. If it goes well, you know what to do. If not, back to the drawing board!

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Dsscats 11/07/2014 at 00:10

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I wish I could, but something in my mind always holds me back. I wish I could go back to my childhood, when I didn't care about a thing. :(

Now, I worry about every single thing that I think and do..

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh 11/07/2014 at 00:10

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People look at me strange, people think I'm weird, I'm just different in some people's eyes. And it hurts.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Manuél Ferrari 11/07/2014 at 00:11

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Why can't I ever just be happy with myself? Why can't I just be happy being me off the internet?

Dsscats > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:12

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Just try your best. Even if it's 15 minutes. Also, from what I've gotten from other posts, it seems like you have a pretty good car related friend group. What's up with them?

Manuél Ferrari > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:13

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I dunno :( But I do know that I was a lot less happy with myself at your age. 19-20 were probably the hardest years for me

Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:13

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I can't even try to imagine how that feels. I just get angry when someone is judged on how they look. We're humans, we're different, but we're the same.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Dsscats 11/07/2014 at 00:14

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It's only really in the summer, we all usually have school and work to deal with so we rarely see each other in the winter months. It's quite lonely for me here when It's not warm and nice out for cars. :(

SVTyler > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:15

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As an extremely white dude I can't say I understand what you're going through but I will say this: anyone who doesn't want to hang because of your skin color isn't the kind of person you want to be friends with anyways. I'm not going to pretend like racism and stereotypes don't exist because they do, but if you're as cool and nice of a person in real life as you are on Oppo none of that will matter; there's absolutely no reason you can't go out there and make friends, and don't let anyone, especially yourself, tell you otherwise.

EDIT: should say that, as another extremely introverted person, I know you can't just "go out there". But don't let the fact that you're black discourage you from anything; it's not something you can change and to 99% of people in the world it doesn't matter.

desertdog5051 > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:16

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Speaking from my own experience, I can say that overcoming the introversion is the single biggest step you can make. I forced myself to do it and it made my life so much better.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Manuél Ferrari 11/07/2014 at 00:16

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This is just the worst time for me. Too much school, too much work, to much drama, not enough money, not enough time to spend with friends and the people that matter the most to me, friends included.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh 11/07/2014 at 00:17

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I wish I could still be that young kid and believe that we're all the same, but we're not. :(

CB > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:17

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Let me dole out a little story. If you don't want to hear me ramble, then just ignore this.

When I was in high school, I didn't really have that many close friends. I had maybe one or two really good friends, and then there were a whole bunch of assholes who I hung out with. I wasn't happy with myself. I hated everyone. So as a result, I did a lot of gaming and online stuff, where I didn't have to deal with things. Chalk it up to the anxiety and depression I was eventually diagnosed with.

One bloody thing led to another, and I was spending more time online than I was in the real world. I'd just sit at home on my 360 or browsing online forums. I had friends online: I felt they understood me. We were in a gaming clan together, which meant spending lots of time gaming until three in the morning. I eschewed family and friends to do this.

I spent two years doing this, before realizing that I was wasting my life. There was so much else out there. So I decided to quit the gaming clan I was part of, the forums I browsed, and tried to focus on real world things. I became closer to friends, I got (and lost) a girlfriend, I did swimming, I found ways to cope with my mental health.

Man, the real world is so much fucking better than anything online. I've got a lot of good friends now, and my mind is in a lot better of a place than it was before. Yeah, I spend a lot of time here on Oppo, but it's not the only way I interact with people.

My moral of the story? Don't let online become your primary attention hog. It's not healthy. Start chatting with some classmates, join a club, do whatever. Just don't retreat to this.

Sorry if this doesn't help much. I'm not in your shoes, but hopefully it's a little relevant.

Manuél Ferrari > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:17

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Also that age is hard because you're more independent than high school, but not as independent as after college when you have a job, PLUS you have a lot of hormones raging

It just sucks. All I did was drink and smoke pot in college to make it more fun. Life after college was better.

SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O) > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:18

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To the wonderful person who got me authorship on this beautiful time-sink of a website, I offer this humble advice: fuck 'em. If someone looks down at you, or gives you a sideways eye because of the color of your skin than they are no one you should want to be friends with. Seriously, dude. No one needs that kind of negativity in their life and if people are that unwilling to not judge you based on appearance than why the hell would you want to be friends with someone like that?

Pt 2: As a fellow introvert, I understand that it's difficult to make new friends. I really do. And after transferring into a new school this year that's been even harder, but what helped me was to join a couple clubs. Now, I'm a white dude but I love hip hop so I joined the hip hop appreciation clubs. I am one of the few white guys that shows up every week, but some of the people I like the most in the school are people I met through that club. So, try to join a club. Go when you can, and put yourself out there. If its absolutely horrible then don't bother with it and pick something else. That's one of the great things about college: there is so much non-academic stuff to be apart of. Try to find some people who are into cars, too! You've got a sick 944 that I'm sure most people would be jealous of if they knew anything about anything. I've been trying to do that, but in a city school it's a little tricky. And if you feel like the color of your skin is making it difficult to make new friends, join the diversity club or whatever it's called at your school. One of my good friends is half black and half Puerto Rican, and he had a slightly similar problem for the first couple months of school last year, so he joined his school's diversity club and literally all he did during that one hour a week was chill with cool people who weren't about to assume anything about him based on his skin tone.

Just my two cents. And I'm here to chat if you want (though I might be going to bed somewhat soon. I will definitely respond to anything in the AM)

Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:19

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I'm not telling you that you should believe that. I'm telling you that in my mind we're all the same, and that if someone thinks otherwise they're wrong. Fuck them who don't think that every human has the same value.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > CB 11/07/2014 at 00:21

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Well the first half with gaming clans and such was exactly how I spent my free time in high school; I didn't have many friends to hang out with then; that isn't to say I didn't have friends, only in school the majority of them.

I've spent so much of my life online, I don't game as much or really anymore; automotive forums and Oppo are all I've got left.

Really, no one understands me or my struggles enough to even bother with me I believe.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > desertdog5051 11/07/2014 at 00:22

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I can't force myself. I'm going on at least 5-6 years of it.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > SVTyler 11/07/2014 at 00:22

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I can't even tell myself that. :(

CounterTorqueSteer > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:23

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We're here for you man. Sorry that you are feeling so down.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Manuél Ferrari 11/07/2014 at 00:23

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There's nothing fun for me to do.

CB > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:24

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If you can, you should probably see someone. Just to hear a professional opinion.

Manuél Ferrari > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:25

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You're better off. I can't believe I graduated... Just barely

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh 11/07/2014 at 00:25

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History has said otherwise; it'll never go away, I just want to forget it and make it go away. :(

BoulderZ > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:28

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I know there's something uplifting I'm supposed to pull out of... somewhere, but it would probably sound pretty inauthentic. I'm just going to go with I'm sorry to hear it's all weighing on you so much right now. If it helps at all, sophomore year is truly awful, and it does get better. Enjoy your gorgeous 944, and may your climb to the heights you deserve be swift with many new and true friends.

Jordaneer, The Mountaineer Man > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:29

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I was reading Self-Reliance for a class, I would suggest reading it. It deals with nonconformity and such. I can't help you much, but you have my support k-roll

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O) 11/07/2014 at 00:30

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Oh hey Smores, I see you changed your name/title-thing. Thanks much. I'm not friends with any judging people, all of my friends are very appreciative of my presence or conversations and I greatly appreciate it.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > CounterTorqueSteer 11/07/2014 at 00:31

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I wish I didn't have to feel so down frequently..

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Jordaneer, The Mountaineer Man 11/07/2014 at 00:32

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What's it about? Psychology?

desertdog5051 > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:32

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Yes you can. Take it slow but work at it. It may take a little time but each little gain makes you feel so exponentially better.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > CB 11/07/2014 at 00:33

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Oh, I don't know if I wanna have to do that again. It didn't help in middle school, I don't think it'd help now.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Manuél Ferrari 11/07/2014 at 00:33

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I'm barely getting by now. At least, I think I am.

Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:33

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History is shite mate, fuck that. I know how it is to feel like noone loves you, and honestly I can't tell you how to fix that. but your first step should be as follows "Green or blue, I ain't got no clue, I'm still human, The laird knows not how to rhyme" Point is mate, we love yah, all cat's are grey in the dark, not that it is of any use right now for you.

PetarVN, GLI Guy, now with stupid power > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:34

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I can relate man...
I moved to the states when I was 13, and even though I don't stand out at all around people, I used to get weird looks and comments about my nationality...

now, I'm 16, and I have that happy-go-lucky attitude you mentioned in your post, but I cannot relate on the introverted part, and have no idea what to say and how to try and help.

I will say this though.

I've only conversed with you through opposite lock, and I feel that you are one really cool dude, and if people can't get through their superficial stereotypes, then they don't deserve you :D

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > desertdog5051 11/07/2014 at 00:34

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How.

CB > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:35

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Just a suggestion. Keep your options open.

Jordaneer, The Mountaineer Man > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:36

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its about how being individual is more important than being part of society.

http://www.emersoncentral.com/selfreliance.h… its only about a 30-45 min read.

JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:37

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I'm really sorry to hear that, man. I'm afraid I can't relate to your situation, but it sounds like there are a lot of shitty people surrounding you. I don't really have a social life and never hang out outside of school, but I was way too reserved/solitary for a time and that's not a cycle you want to enter. I've been depressed for a few years now, and that's coupled with some other stuff like anxiety and a lack of motivation. I saw a psychologist for the first time since this shit has been going on today, and I really felt much better than I have in a long time walking out of that office. Seriously, give that a chance; most stuff like this has underlying causes that make things harder to deal with. Anyone who cares about the color of your skin is a piece of shit. Seriously, it's nothing to even be concerned about and the fact that you've come to feel this way just makes me angry. I go to a school where the student body is, like, 35% black, so it might be a regional thing for you, but I associate with anyone who would treat someone differently based on their appearance. It's irrelevant. Anyways, I understand how you feel to an extent and I'd recommend seeing a therapist for sure. I think a lot of these sentiments are internally perpetuated and I believe you can overcome them. I'm sorry I can't help much but there are plenty of caring people on here to offer solid advice. Take breaks from stressful situations when you can and drive the 944. Today, I ditched calculus which I am getting out of until summer and just went for a drive and tried to have a little fun. I hope you work things out soon, and try to ignore idiots who are on a lower level of thinking

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh 11/07/2014 at 00:37

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I think I got that poem? Was it a poem?

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > CB 11/07/2014 at 00:37

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Alright.

SVTyler > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:40

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I wish I knew how to help, man. I know from personal experience telling someone to completely change their way of thinking doesn't work: without getting into some personal shit I can tell you I've been dealing with depression for the last eight or nine years. People tell me I'm always kinda bummed out and somber and that I should just "be happy" which is obviously not helpful at all.

Maybe try to find clubs or groups that interest you? When we get on Xbox for our Fourza races I turn into a completely different person; I'm happy and excited and personable, which is the complete polar opposite of how I am normally. Join the car club or something, they won't care about your skin color, they'll care that you're one of them.

Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:40

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Poem it might have been, not that intelligence within I've ever seen.

The fact still stands mate, you've got your life on a plate.

We still love you dude, even if you're rude.

Yeah mate, it was a "poem" :) I can't write for shit. I just want you to be happy.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 11/07/2014 at 00:42

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And I live relatively near Detroit, not that it means much of anything. It's hard for people to understand because most people haven't had a problem like this. I drive my cars when I'm sad, but I have to be careful because sad driving can be distracted driving.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Jordaneer, The Mountaineer Man 11/07/2014 at 00:42

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I'll have to read it tomorrow, unless I don't fall asleep tonight.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > PetarVN, GLI Guy, now with stupid power 11/07/2014 at 00:44

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Thanks P.

I actually didn't know you were from out of country; where, if you don't mind my asking?

I wish I wasn't so self conscious now, I wasn't always this way.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh 11/07/2014 at 00:47

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Aww, thanks friend. I noticed I've been rather rude to some good people here over the past few weeks, sorry about that. :(

Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:47

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Let me give you a personal anecdote to maybe ease some of your concerns:

I was born in Russia, and my father is from the Dominican Republic. We escaped the Soviet Union in 1990 and sought political asylum in the US. I never fit in anywhere. I was never hispanic enough for the hispanic kids, and I wasn't white, nor black. I wouldn't be able to "fit in" by the same token if I went back to Russia, despite knowing the language fluently. I was always an introvert and never really had any luck with girls growing up. Having a hispanic last name, I was associated with all the worst stereotypes in the culture, and it didn't help that I lived in a community that was majority hispanic. What did I do?

I lived my life. Your skin color doesn't define you and no educated person gives a fuck what you look like. Your association with less than desirable elements in society is all in your head - don't let it eat you up, because the only one you're harming is yourself. Being proud of your skin color is like being proud of your hair color - it's an unearned trait. It's a matter of happenstance. You didn't earn being black - it was a product of your genetics. But, the things you can control, are the things in which you should take the most pride, or at the very least, satisfaction.

From what I can gather, you come from a loving home, your family is educated, you're an engineering student and you drive a fucking Porsche. Believe me when I say life can get much worse. There is absolutely nothing wrong with possessing a skin tone. Anyone who judges you for a matter of pure happenstance is someone who brings nothing to the table. I'm not trying to empower you, I'm trying to let you know that you're wasting energy on things that simply don't register on your fuel gauge of life. Learn something, get fucking awesome at it, and become indispensable. You'll meet like-minded individuals along the way who like you for your abilities and personality, girls included.

TL;DR: You'll be fine, skin color doesn't matter, just focus on being awesome.

SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O) > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:48

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Ahahaha. I literally changed it just to make this comment , but I think I'll leave it for a day or two. I thought it was way too funny to immediately change back.

But that's good. Friends can either make you feel great about yourself or drain the fucking life out of you, and everything in between. I've certainly learned a lot from some terrible 'friendships' in the past. You'll find your circle, K-Roll. Don't worry. We all do eventually, and it's always at the most random-ass times... I know it certainly took me a while last year. Still working on it this year.

Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:49

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Sort of Rant Below

As a white as fuck guy from Alabama, I can't see from your prospective at all. But as a fellow introvert, it sucks sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I want to be with friends and then when I'm with them, I'd rather be alone. It doesn't matter how many people I am around, more often than not, I feel alone in a crowded room. Anti-depressants just lessen the desire to not wake up. They don't fix my crippling anxiety. They don't make me feel alive. I can count on one hand the days I have felt fully awake and alive in the past year. 4 times. That's it. It's bad when just feeling like yourself is a memorable experience. Every day I just feel like nothing. I have great friends, but none are close. I have a semi-supportive family(that I well past take for granted). I have so many opportunities ahead of me, that I don't have the drive to take. So while I don't know exactly what you are going through, just know you aren't alone. Hopefully when I move in a couple of months, it'll be a time to start over.

Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:49

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Nah dude.. being rude is quite OK. it's who we are. Don't think about it :) Just pretend we're all from Boston :)

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > SVTyler 11/07/2014 at 00:49

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Remember when we first chatted on Fourza, and I couldn't/still can't race for shit?

Manuél Ferrari > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:49

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It would only be harder if you partied as much as I did!

Just find a way to survive school. You can do it. I have faith!

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O) 11/07/2014 at 00:53

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You actually had me confused for a minute or two..Everything takes time and time and time and time and tine..... :(

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh 11/07/2014 at 00:54

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What does that mean?

JKER > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:54

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And here all this time I thought you were a skinny white dude..

But everyone has something that they hate themselves, perceived flaws and characteristics. Self-confidence doesn't come to anyone easily, you just have to be happy with who you are.

If there's things about yourself that you can change that you want to change, then get motivated and stay motivated. But don't wait to be happy until you reach your goals, be happy every day for who you already are.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Manuél Ferrari 11/07/2014 at 00:54

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I don't know..

Manuél Ferrari > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:55

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._.

Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:56

1

It was a joke dude, here in Europe people from Boston are seen as rude, I guess it's because the Boston Tea Party :)

PetarVN, GLI Guy, now with stupid power > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:56

1

I'm Serbian! Grew up there, and moved to the US in 2011 for 8th grade, because my stepdad already lived here, and has a job at Microsoft.

One of the big issues I had when I moved was not understanding American pop culture at all! i'll give you an example: I walked in to my history class on day 1, and saw a girl dressed like one of the guys from LMFAO's music video "every day I'm shuffling" dancing while that song played from her iPod. this is the first time I saw someone my age with pink-dyed hair off of TV, and the first time I saw a girl wearing something other than what you'd call "average clothing" (she was wearing pink jeans, neon-yellow shoes, and like a 26-different colored baggy hoodie)

So there was that, and the fact that I had a strong accent, AND that I didn't know anyone on the freaking continent besides my family made it really difficult to socialize. Fast forward by 3 years, my accent is gone, I've dated a few attractive girls, and "socialized" (stuff happens when you're at a party (not sexual, again, 16) and there's a girl who Is alone there) with many more that I know for a fact are quite out of my league.

I've also lost weight! I was about 195-205lbs in 8th grade. I weigh in at about 155-165 now, and feel much better about it! healthy lifestyle FTW!

My biography aside, I can relate to how it feels, since I was put in a situation similar to yours before, and it's not fun. I have discovered that finding people who like you for what you are is the best possible way to go about stuff, and it has made my life so much better and easier!

also, here's a pic of a car, to keep it on oppotopic!

5-cylinder ST's FTW!

Xyl0c41n3 > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:57

11

I'm a woman of color. I'm Latina. The feeling like you're part of two different worlds and not necessarily a good fit in either one? That's actually a pretty common thing with people of color like you and me. Would you mind if I shared this to The Salad Bowl? It's a kinja sub blog created by POC for POC. I won't share it unless you give me permission, so don't worry about that if the idea makes you uncomfortable. In either case, I think you should take a look at some of the stories we have there. Thesaladbowl.kinja.com.

I'm gonna look for one story in particular I'm thinking of, and I'll leave a link for it in another comment.

I don't know you personally, K-roll, but I promise you you're a beautiful, worthwhile, incredible human being.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh 11/07/2014 at 00:58

0

We did dump your tea..

JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 00:59

1

Yeah, there's really no way to understand your problem and I wish I could. I'll say this: it seems like a lifetime since I started feeling depressed. I didn't have too good of relationships with my parents for one thing, not to mention the fact that I was quite socially incapable. I was constantly berated for being lazy when it was really an inability to cope with my depression which I was unaware of. That didn't help—my parents only added to the problem and I didn't have any friends to help the situation. I had bad anxiety and was really insecure and I started feeling really depressed after a while, kind of just wishing to be dead and make sadness end which takes any joy out of life. I'm still depressed but currently feeling a bit better because I went to the psychologist and I feel like I'm in the process of getting to a better place. I was skeptical but it was a good release of negativity, so I hope you'll consider it. Everyone on Oppo likes you, I would hang out with you and I'm sure others would, so do something uncomfortable and approach the first person you'd like to get to know! I wish I had the sense to do that more. Anyways, I'm running on fumes here at 1:00 but I hope tomorrow will be a better day and give you some fresh perspective. You always have a whole community here to support you, and plenty of otherpeople struggling with related issues to give you insight.

Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 01:00

0

Never mind that mate, go to bed now, have a nice night of sleep :) I'm off to work in a few minutes.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Xyl0c41n3 11/07/2014 at 01:01

2

I don't know, I've had pretty negative experiences from having a post or two shared; I do greatly appreciate that you asked me first though, that is very thoughtful. I will check up sub blog though.

Thank you very much for the kind and uplifting comments. :)

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Manuél Ferrari 11/07/2014 at 01:02

1

I think I can do it?

That's what you wanted me to say?

Xyl0c41n3 > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 01:03

2

Here's the link I said I'd get for you. It's written by a Latino guy talking about what it's like to feel like he's not "American" enough but also like he's not Latino or Mexican enough. I know it's not quite the same thing, but maybe you might be able to find some parallels with his story.

http://thesaladbowl.kinja.com/navigating-lan…

Crocket Bernet > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 01:03

0

Hey man, sorry to hear about your trouble, I'd like to try to help you with your introversion problem. If you want to talk just reply back.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh 11/07/2014 at 01:03

0

Work? It's 1am in the...Oh wait.

Right.

Manuél Ferrari > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 01:03

1

Yes! That sounds better :)

You CAN do it. You can make it happen if you make it the #1 priority in your life

Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 01:04

0

7am here mate :P

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh 11/07/2014 at 01:05

1

Oh. My bad.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Xyl0c41n3 11/07/2014 at 01:06

1

Thank you kindly. I'll take a read before bed. Not sure if it's healthy to do so, but I don't know if I'll fall asleep soon anyways.

Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 01:06

0

Nah.. no need to be sorry :) I'll be out dancing in the cold (-5 celsius here now) and I love it.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Crocket Bernet 11/07/2014 at 01:07

0

I'm surprisingly still awake. What's up.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Manuél Ferrari 11/07/2014 at 01:07

2

Even ahead of cars?

SVTyler > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 01:07

1

Yeah you were a bit slow, let's be honest, but we really liked having you in the party, dude. I'm not just saying that, the best part of the Le Mans race and the GT series was hanging out with Opponauts in real time, and there's always a spot open for you if you ever want to race with us again. Personally, the most fun I've had this summer was with you guys and we'd love to have you back not even for the racing, just to talk. If you're ever on feel free to send an invite or something, we don't even have to race, we can just shoot the shit or something in a party.

Probably shouldn't mention this because the details aren't not final yet, but if you're interested we have a new racing series coming up after Christmas with vintage Trans-Am cars. We'll be adding balance-of-performance adjustments to the slower cars so it should be really competitive, completely different than the GT series. I mean it, the main point of the series is to have everyone lapping at roughly the same speeds no matter what, and we'd really like to see cmd Woods next to us on the starting grid.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh 11/07/2014 at 01:09

0

Negative 5??? Good god, and in C? That's below 0 isn't it?

Manuél Ferrari > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 01:11

3

Yes. You have to make it your #1 goal. Because once you graduate and get a good job you'll be able to buy MOAR CARS :D

Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 01:11

0

-5 C = 23 F

AMGtech - now with more recalls! > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 01:13

1

Brother Ali- Forest Whitaker:

^ black albino Muslim ^

I've very often felt (and feel) the way you do. Like everyone was looking at me differently for some reason judging me, being scared of me. Butyouknow what? I'm just a skinny white guy from a middle-class family from a small town in the midwest. Don't just assume that people are thinking certain things about you.

In this day and age, girls have to look at guys they don't know as though they may be dangerous, it isn't just you.

Regenerating because you're not happy with who you are I'd a blatant misuse of Time Lord. Even the doctor does his best with what he's got [after each regeneration].

I apologize if this sounds racist because it certainly isn't meant that way, the following thoughts came when I was maybe in 5th grade. I used to wish I was black, so I could be like Jerry Rice or Michael Jordan. And my grandma's husband, who is not my biological grandpa, is black and super awesome. He's been in our family longer than I have, and we all love him. From what I could see when I was young, life would have been easier if I were black because I wouldn't have been just another white kid from the middle of nowhere that everyone overlooks. I'm sorry if that paragraph was offensive.

My point is that the grass isn't always greener blah blah blah...

If where you are truly isn't very accepting of your skin color, a change of scenery could be beneficial. Either to a more accepting part of town or even a new state or country. Where I live right now, people treat our many bicyclists as their own race, and treat them worse than any other minority, except for maybe Russians.

I hope this was at least somewhat helpful. Life WILL get better.

Crocket Bernet > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 01:17

1

If you live on campus you should meet people on your floor, go into the lounge or whatever to study/hang out, I the people out there are social and will engage you.

If you don't live on campus go to the ME lab(I think you said you're a mechanical engineer) and talk to people from your classes, no need to be best friends just talk about class. Also hit up the gym see if you can play some basketball, soccer, rugby whatever. Most people will be happy to have you.

I hope this helps a bit. And if you ever need to talk the majority of Oppo is here for you.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > AMGtech - now with more recalls! 11/07/2014 at 01:19

0

You see, I'm stuck in a big pickle, because, and this is one of my hidden secrets, I don't really like to associate with the black community either..

I just don't really fit in there; it's like a culture I know, but don't understand. Your post wasn't racist at all and I understand where you're coming from, but at the same time, as you said, when you were younger. If you knew the things you know and racism and such back then, I don't think you'd want to be Michael Jordan anymore. :(

I'm actually more of an "Oreo", if you get my meaning..

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh 11/07/2014 at 01:19

0

Oh, that's not bad then.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Manuél Ferrari 11/07/2014 at 01:19

2

Yay more cars.

Xyl0c41n3 > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 01:20

3

I'm aware of what happened with GT. I didn't see it myself, but I'm a GTer, and heard it was a lot of BS shit hitting the fan. I'm sorry that happened.

I'm also a Salad Bowler. TSB is not GT. It is purely a blog for issues involving POC, and one of the things we explore a lot is the "otherness" many of us feel 24/7 just for being a POC. And if you did green light the share, I wouldn't do a straight share, I'd add an intro paragraph explaining what's going on and where your post originates from. That said, I totally understand if you don't want to, and I'll respect that. You aren't alone, though, K-Roll. Not in the least.

Are there any organizations at your school you could look into? Maybe an African-American student organization, or one for POC in general? If there are, it might be a good idea to check it out. You'd likely find other students there who share common ground with you who could help you navigate through what you're feeling.

Again, I can't stress enough that you're not alone, and you're not the only POC who has ever felt this way. You've got more strength than you realize, though. Writing this post is proof of that.

Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 01:20

1

Nah, it's t-shirt weather :)

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > SVTyler 11/07/2014 at 01:21

0

Aww thanks. :)

One question, I have....

Vintage Porsche, can I use??

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh 11/07/2014 at 01:23

0

WUT? it's 40 here and I'm barely wearing shorts!!

Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 11/07/2014 at 01:27

1

Shorths and t-shirts until 5c (40f) t-shirt and jeans till -15c (5 F) Sweater and jeans depending on wind and snow = -20C (-4 F).

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Xyl0c41n3 11/07/2014 at 01:31

0

Oh wow, my post became that infamous..I had no idea it got around that much. I'm open to trying something new, so sure, I'll approve a share. Hopefully some good can come from it to benefit not just POC, but everyone; because white can be a color as well, or at least in my eye.